The Gift title image of Jessica and Hazel laughing together.

For most of her life Jessica Jordan, a midwife, was looking forward to being a mother. For years, she waited, at first in search of a partner and then grappling with medical issues that affected her fertility. In 2021, finally, she got her gift.

This is Jessica Jordan’s story of becoming a mum, through the lens of Stuff visual journalist Christel Yardley, and as told to reporter Jo Lines-McKenzie.

Chocolate brown, decorative, swirly wreath motif.
Ever since I was little, I had lots and lots of dolls that I used to take good care of, and just wanted to be a mamma. I knew that is what I wanted to do in life. JESSICA JORDAN

This story contains pictures and video of surgery.

At 21, Jordan says she made a pact with herself. She would be a mum, no matter what, with a partner or not.

But there were barriers right from the beginning of her own life: a damaged fallopian tube from surgery as a baby. Then, as an adult, there were surgeries for endometriosis.

By 30, Jordan had decided she would try for a baby with the help of a sperm donor.

There were efforts to find a donor via an online forum, which led to an offer from someone she knew through a mutual friend. 

The pair started with intrauterine insemination (IUI), which is when the sperm is placed directly into a uterus to decrease the sperm’s travel time to the egg.

They did six home IUI’s but were unsuccessful. 

Jordan’s IVF journey began in November 2019. The first time did not work.

And then, the awful news that her father had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Just two months later, he was dead.

But knowing her father would encourage her, Jordan continued on with IVF. She planned to wear a pair of her Dad’s socks while giving birth.

Finally, with the fourth round of IVF in early December 2020, a successful pregnancy.

A scene of several items placed onto a pale pink blanket with white polka dots. In the middle is a circular wooden plaque with the words "For this child I have prayed" etched into it. Top left are a pair of dusky pink booties. Top right is the positive pregnancy test. Direct left is a strip of the ultrasound images of the baby in Jessica's womb.
I am a Christian and I saw so many wonderful, beautiful, vibrant, passionate, skilled, single women waiting for a man and never finding a man and being too old to have kids.

Jessica standing in her living room, smiling broadly and holding the strip of ultrasound images.
Chocolate brown, decorative, swirly wreath motif.

As her baby was preparing to join the world, Jordan had already learned the gender and decided on a name.

Hazel was expected to be a big baby girl. A scan at 36.5 weeks suggested she was already about 4.1kg or 9lb 1oz. (The average Kiwi baby is about 3.4kg, or 7lb 8oz at birth.)

Jessica lies sideways on a hospital bed while having an ultrasound scan.

There were six 60 litre storage bins of baby clothing, a push chair, and a car seat that could attest to Jordan’s excitement.

“I am excited for her to be here and see what she looks like, get to know her and be able to feed her and sustain her, like that is really exciting, that she’s going to be totally dependent on me.”

Jessica stands in her light salmon pink coloured nursery bedroom holding her baby bump.
Jessica sits on a single bed in the nursery holding her baby bump. On top of the bed is a wicker tray covered in pink and white baby clothes.
Jessica outside holding a piece of harakeke (New Zealand flax) in her hands preparing it for weaving. Behind her in the background is a large harakeke bush.
Jessica holds some harakeke (in her hands weaving a small plait.
A close-up of Jessica's hands weaving the harakeke.
Jessica stands in her light salmon pink coloured nursery bedroom holding her baby bump.
Jessica sits on a single bed in the nursery holding her baby bump. On top of the bed is a wicker tray covered in pink and white baby clothes.
Jessica outside holding a piece of harakeke (New Zealand flax) in her hands preparing it for weaving. Behind her in the background is a large harakeke bush.
Jessica holds some harakeke (in her hands weaving a small plait.
A close-up of Jessica's hands weaving the harakeke.

advertisement

Advertise with Stuff
WATCH: What was on Jessica's mind as she prepared to give birth to baby Hazel.

At 38 weeks, Jordan had started packing some ‘go-bags’ for the hospital, just in case.

She thought she had a few more weeks up her sleeve – with a to-do list to still tick off.

But Hazel had other ideas.

On Saturday August 14, Jordan took part in a pregnancy circle.

“I went to that and did some really cool work arounds like fears of birth - probably the main was her fitting.

“I had an affirmation which was really powerful for my birthing experience:

My baby’s bones are made to fit with my bones, she glides under and out with ease and I said that to myself quite a few times in the labour.

That night as Jordan was putting some colostrum in the freezer, her waters broke and labour began.

Jess sits smiling on a Swiss ball in her front room at the start of her labour.

From the get-go Jordan had wanted a home birth. She pictured a birthing pool in the corner of her lounge with fairy lights, surrounded by people she loves.

But none of that was ready when Hazel declared she was.

Family quickly arrived, furniture was moved about and the birth pool went up.

A black and white image of Jessica in her front room lying in the birthing pool on her front with her arms and head hanging over the edge of the pool. To the right, her mother and sister-in-law are hugging each other during a moment in between Jessica's contractions.
Jessica lies relaxed face up in the birthing pool with her hand rested on her baby bump. Her mother kneels behind her gently holding onto her shoulders. The midwife is checking the baby's heartbeat by holding a monitor onto the bottom of Jessica's belly.
Jessica reclines in the pool sideways to the right with one arm on the edge of the pool. She looks exhausted.
Jessica kneels in her front room trying to push with her mother keeling next to her to the left and her sister-in-law kneels on the right rubbing Jessica's back.
A black and white image of Jessica in her front room lying in the birthing pool on her front with her arms and head hanging over the edge of the pool. To the right, her mother and sister-in-law are hugging each other during a moment in between Jessica's contractions.
Jessica lies relaxed face up in the birthing pool with her hand rested on her baby bump. Her mother kneels behind her gently holding onto her shoulders. The midwife is checking the baby's heartbeat by holding a monitor onto the bottom of Jessica's belly.
Jessica reclines in the pool sideways to the right with one arm on the edge of the pool. She looks exhausted.
Jessica kneels in her front room trying to push with her mother keeling next to her to the left and her sister-in-law kneels on the right rubbing Jessica's back.
Chocolate brown, decorative, swirly wreath motif.

By 2:30am, it was time to call the midwife. An examination revealed Jordan was already 8cm dilated. But the contractions slowed.

Although fully dilated, Jordan’s contractions went from one every 10 minutes to one every 20 minutes.

“You need minimum two if not three or four contractions in a space of 10 minutes to really get the force of the baby with the uterus and your pushing so I didn’t really get a good hoon at it, but I definitely tried.”

They tried acupressure, and IV fluids.

But Hazel’s heart rate started accelerating. It was time to go “up the hill” to the hospital.

“I really believed we were going to have a little bit of oxytocin to give me contractions and maybe a ventouse – the suction cup – and I would have my baby and I would come home.”

But still, Hazel wasn’t budging

“I kept passing out because I was pushing so hard really trying to get this girl out, and I kept saying to Hazel: ‘You know the way, you know the way’.”

Jessica at the hospital pushing during labour. The midwife holds her hand and rests her cheek on Jessica's head.

Hazel would have to come out via a Caesarian section.

Her mum was by her side and some of Jordan’s home birth wishes could be granted: the lights were dimmed, and a playlist she’d developed during IVF played over the speakers.

Hazel came out weighing 4.82kg (10lb 10oz), but she wasn’t doing so well.

“She was quite grey, blue, she hadn’t transitioned particularly well so even though I wanted her to come straight to me, I think they were almost humouring me knowing I would see she wasn’t okay and pass her back, and I did very quickly.”

Hazel was taken to NICU (neonatal intensive care unit).

Jordan also needed extra attention - she had lost 2.6 litres of blood.

We were both battling really. She ended up having to go to NICU for some breathing support and blood sugar support and try and help her establish things. And I went to HDU.
Black and white image of Jessica lying on a hospital bed connected to multiple tubes and lines. Her mother in stands in the background in attendance.
Jessica on lying on a hospital bed surround by pre-op staff preparing her for surgery. She holds onto her mother's hand who is by her side.
A stark black and white image of the surgeon starting the caesarean section procedure, by cutting into the skin of Jessica's belly. It is dark, with a spotlight on the surgeon and Jessica's belly.
The surgeon has now created a round hole with support for the baby to be birthed through. The head of the baby can be seen inside the hole.
The surgeon starts to pull the Hazel's head out stretching the neck as she pulls.
Hazel is born, being cradled in the surgeon's hands. In teh background, Jessica lies with head slightly raised to see Hazel for the first time.
Looking for the other direction, Jessica is looking down at Hazel, who has been swaddles in cloth. You can see Jessica's belly with the surgical incision and umbilical chord ready to be cut.
A close-up image of the surgeon inspecting the placenta.
Baby Hazel is taken away and given post-birth care. She lies with caring hands supplying her with oxygen.
At last, Jessica gets to be reunited with Hazel. She lies on the surgical table looking backwards as Hazel is being delivered to her so she can have the first cuddle with her.
Black and white image of Jessica lying on a hospital bed connected to multiple tubes and lines. Her mother in stands in the background in attendance.
Jessica on lying on a hospital bed surround by pre-op staff preparing her for surgery. She holds onto her mother's hand who is by her side.
A stark black and white image of the surgeon starting the caesarean section procedure, by cutting into the skin of Jessica's belly. It is dark, with a spotlight on the surgeon and Jessica's belly.
The surgeon has now created a round hole with support for the baby to be birthed through. The head of the baby can be seen inside the hole.
The surgeon starts to pull the Hazel's head out stretching the neck as she pulls.
Hazel is born, being cradled in the surgeon's hands. In teh background, Jessica lies with head slightly raised to see Hazel for the first time.
Looking for the other direction, Jessica is looking down at Hazel, who has been swaddles in cloth. You can see Jessica's belly with the surgical incision and umbilical chord ready to be cut.
A close-up image of the surgeon inspecting the placenta.
Baby Hazel is taken away and given post-birth care. She lies with caring hands supplying her with oxygen.
At last, Jessica gets to be reunited with Hazel. She lies on the surgical table looking backwards as Hazel is being delivered to her so she can have the first cuddle with her.

With the dream of a home birth gone, so was the first cuddle.

“She had all the breathing apparatus and IV lines not what I imagined for our first cuddle, but it was what it was.

“What was so hard to swallow was that we were separated for the first time ever.

“When we were together I felt quite guilty and quite sad about any trauma she had experienced without me.”

Hazel stayed in NICU for about 36 hours before both moved to one of Hamilton’s birthing centres.

That night, the whole country went into Covid-19 Level 4 lockdown.

“It has been a very bizarre experience, quite far from what I imagined and quite challenging at times but at the same I am not letting anything take away the joy of my long awaited baby.”

WATCH: The day Hazel was born – and Jessica Jordan became a mum.

Being Mum

Chocolate brown, decorative, swirly wreath motif.

Lockdown provided mother and baby with some enforced space from excited friends and family to settle in at home.

“After two-and-a-half weeks we managed to adjust and get into our own rhythm, and we are co-sleeping so Hazel is snuggled up beside me. She just smacks her lips when she’s ready for a feed and just rustles around for the boob.”

As Waikato yo-yoed up and down alert levels, Hazel grew to almost 7.5kg by the time she was 11-weeks-old.

A lifetime of parenting stretches out in front of Jordan now.

It can be a bit mundane like rinse, wash and repeat the same stuff.

Beautiful soft focus black and white image of Jessica's lower arms cradling baby Hazel who is lying on crisp, white sheets.

advertisement

Advertise with Stuff
A black and white image of Jessica lies on her bed in her bedroom breastfeeding Hazel who is in her arms.
A closer overhead, intimate view of Jessica breastfeeding Hazel.
A very close-up view of Jessica breastfeeding Hazel.
A black and white image of Jessica lies on her bed in her bedroom breastfeeding Hazel who is in her arms.
A closer overhead, intimate view of Jessica breastfeeding Hazel.
A very close-up view of Jessica breastfeeding Hazel.

“It will be the same for millions of people, they have this fertility journey, and have a baby then they’re tired, and they’ve got to try to get their head around how this baby came earth-side. And whilst sleep-deprived, they have to try and establish their best self in terms of parenting.

“You can be a little flat, and it can be a little deflating.

“But every day is a little bit different and every conversation I have with her brings so much joy to my heart.”

What does Jordan think as she looks at Hazel, snuggled into chest after a feed?

“I am just amazed that she is mine, she is made of me, she is flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone and I made her, I grew her, and she really is just like a little mini me which is really lovely.

“I want her to feel loved, to know love, to feel safe and secure, I want her to grow up with the tools and skills to help her develop ... to do whatever she needs to do and for me to be an example of that for her.”

Chocolate brown, decorative, swirly wreath motif.
Close-up of Hazel swaddled in baby blue cloth. She smiles as she plays with Jessica's hand.
Jessica holds onto Hazel's feet which are facing upwards showing the bottoms, creating heart shape.
Jessica gently gives Hazel her first bath.
A close-up of Jessica gently washing Hazel.
Jessica holds Hazel in arms so she she facing her. They are engaging with each other.
An older Hazel smiling happily in her mum's arms.
Jessica outside sitting under a tree holding Hazel in her arms. hazel is wearing a little bonnet to keep the sun off her face.
Close-up of Hazel swaddled in baby blue cloth. She smiles as she plays with Jessica's hand.
Jessica holds onto Hazel's feet which are facing upwards showing the bottoms, creating heart shape.
Jessica gently gives Hazel her first bath.
A close-up of Jessica gently washing Hazel.
Jessica holds Hazel in arms so she she facing her. They are engaging with each other.
An older Hazel smiling happily in her mum's arms.
Jessica outside sitting under a tree holding Hazel in her arms. hazel is wearing a little bonnet to keep the sun off her face.
A cute soft focus image of Hazel sleeping on her front with her hands under her chin and her head sideways to the front. She is in her birthday suit wearing only a cream, woollen knitted bonnet.
Looking down on Hazel who is giggling while lying on a dusky pink coloured blanket with a cream dot pattern. She is surrounded by the IVF home use equipment which helped to make her.
Visuals Christel Yardley
Words Jo Lines-MacKenzie
Design Kathryn George
Editor John Hartevelt
Projects like this take time and resources. Please become a Stuff supporter and help enable this type of work. Make a contribution

Getting to the truth takes patience and perseverance. Our reporters will spend days combing through documents, weeks cultivating delicate sources, and months - if not years - fighting through the Official Information Act, courts and red tape to deliver their stories.

By supporting Stuff you'll help our journalists keep the pressure on. Make a contribution from as little as $1 today.

Become a supporter