For most of her life Jessica Jordan, a midwife, was looking forward to being a mother. For years, she waited, at first in search of a partner and then grappling with medical issues that affected her fertility. In 2021, finally, she got her gift.
This is Jessica Jordan’s story of becoming a mum, through the lens of Stuff visual journalist Christel Yardley, and as told to reporter Jo Lines-McKenzie.
This story contains pictures and video of surgery.
At 21, Jordan says she made a pact with herself. She would be a mum, no matter what, with a partner or not.
But there were barriers right from the beginning of her own life: a damaged fallopian tube from surgery as a baby. Then, as an adult, there were surgeries for endometriosis.
By 30, Jordan had decided she would try for a baby with the help of a sperm donor.
There were efforts to find a donor via an online forum, which led to an offer from someone she knew through a mutual friend.
The pair started with intrauterine insemination (IUI), which is when the sperm is placed directly into a uterus to decrease the sperm’s travel time to the egg.
They did six home IUI’s but were unsuccessful.
Jordan’s IVF journey began in November 2019. The first time did not work.
And then, the awful news that her father had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Just two months later, he was dead.
But knowing her father would encourage her, Jordan continued on with IVF. She planned to wear a pair of her Dad’s socks while giving birth.
Finally, with the fourth round of IVF in early December 2020, a successful pregnancy.
As her baby was preparing to join the world, Jordan had already learned the gender and decided on a name.
Hazel was expected to be a big baby girl. A scan at 36.5 weeks suggested she was already about 4.1kg or 9lb 1oz. (The average Kiwi baby is about 3.4kg, or 7lb 8oz at birth.)
There were six 60 litre storage bins of baby clothing, a push chair, and a car seat that could attest to Jordan’s excitement.
“I am excited for her to be here and see what she looks like, get to know her and be able to feed her and sustain her, like that is really exciting, that she’s going to be totally dependent on me.”
At 38 weeks, Jordan had started packing some ‘go-bags’ for the hospital, just in case.
She thought she had a few more weeks up her sleeve – with a to-do list to still tick off.
But Hazel had other ideas.
On Saturday August 14, Jordan took part in a pregnancy circle.
“I went to that and did some really cool work arounds like fears of birth - probably the main was her fitting.
“I had an affirmation which was really powerful for my birthing experience:
That night as Jordan was putting some colostrum in the freezer, her waters broke and labour began.
From the get-go Jordan had wanted a home birth. She pictured a birthing pool in the corner of her lounge with fairy lights, surrounded by people she loves.
But none of that was ready when Hazel declared she was.
Family quickly arrived, furniture was moved about and the birth pool went up.
By 2:30am, it was time to call the midwife. An examination revealed Jordan was already 8cm dilated. But the contractions slowed.
Although fully dilated, Jordan’s contractions went from one every 10 minutes to one every 20 minutes.
“You need minimum two if not three or four contractions in a space of 10 minutes to really get the force of the baby with the uterus and your pushing so I didn’t really get a good hoon at it, but I definitely tried.”
They tried acupressure, and IV fluids.
But Hazel’s heart rate started accelerating. It was time to go “up the hill” to the hospital.
“I really believed we were going to have a little bit of oxytocin to give me contractions and maybe a ventouse – the suction cup – and I would have my baby and I would come home.”
But still, Hazel wasn’t budging
“I kept passing out because I was pushing so hard really trying to get this girl out, and I kept saying to Hazel: ‘You know the way, you know the way’.”
Hazel would have to come out via a Caesarian section.
Her mum was by her side and some of Jordan’s home birth wishes could be granted: the lights were dimmed, and a playlist she’d developed during IVF played over the speakers.
Hazel came out weighing 4.82kg (10lb 10oz), but she wasn’t doing so well.
“She was quite grey, blue, she hadn’t transitioned particularly well so even though I wanted her to come straight to me, I think they were almost humouring me knowing I would see she wasn’t okay and pass her back, and I did very quickly.”
Hazel was taken to NICU (neonatal intensive care unit).
Jordan also needed extra attention - she had lost 2.6 litres of blood.
With the dream of a home birth gone, so was the first cuddle.
“She had all the breathing apparatus and IV lines not what I imagined for our first cuddle, but it was what it was.
“What was so hard to swallow was that we were separated for the first time ever.
“When we were together I felt quite guilty and quite sad about any trauma she had experienced without me.”
Hazel stayed in NICU for about 36 hours before both moved to one of Hamilton’s birthing centres.
That night, the whole country went into Covid-19 Level 4 lockdown.
“It has been a very bizarre experience, quite far from what I imagined and quite challenging at times but at the same I am not letting anything take away the joy of my long awaited baby.”
Being Mum
Lockdown provided mother and baby with some enforced space from excited friends and family to settle in at home.
“After two-and-a-half weeks we managed to adjust and get into our own rhythm, and we are co-sleeping so Hazel is snuggled up beside me. She just smacks her lips when she’s ready for a feed and just rustles around for the boob.”
As Waikato yo-yoed up and down alert levels, Hazel grew to almost 7.5kg by the time she was 11-weeks-old.
A lifetime of parenting stretches out in front of Jordan now.
“It will be the same for millions of people, they have this fertility journey, and have a baby then they’re tired, and they’ve got to try to get their head around how this baby came earth-side. And whilst sleep-deprived, they have to try and establish their best self in terms of parenting.
“You can be a little flat, and it can be a little deflating.
“But every day is a little bit different and every conversation I have with her brings so much joy to my heart.”
What does Jordan think as she looks at Hazel, snuggled into chest after a feed?
“I am just amazed that she is mine, she is made of me, she is flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone and I made her, I grew her, and she really is just like a little mini me which is really lovely.
“I want her to feel loved, to know love, to feel safe and secure, I want her to grow up with the tools and skills to help her develop ... to do whatever she needs to do and for me to be an example of that for her.”
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